BPD, PTSD, ADHD...............they're what I am.

Borderline Personality Disorder.
Personality Disorder.
Disordered Personality.
Stress Disorder.
Post-Traumatic.
Borderline Traumatic.
Borderline Attention Deficit.
Post Traumatic Attention Deficit Disorder.
Personality Deficit Disorder.

Ahhhhhh.......maybe that's the right one.
It feels right......

How about:
Traumatic Personality Deficit Disorder???
That one is even better!!!!

Labels. Letters. Diagnoses. Therapies. Coping Skills.
All for WHAT!!! ALL FOR NAUGHT!!!

There comes a point when you realize that those labels ARE who you are. They define everything about you.
They define how I think.
They define how I react.
They define how I see the world.
They define how I treat others.
They ARE me.......and I am them.
I am a Traumatized, Disordered, person Deficit of Personality. My OWN personality.
How can I not be THEM???
How can there even be a ME in there......everything that they are defines everything that I am.
There is no me.

I am a greying, sagging shell that holds disorders and deficits galore. What's to love? I can't see a thing. There is no me..........just a body of alphabet soup.
I don't want to try anymore.
I don't want to talk anymore.
I don't want to love anymore.
I don't want to BE loved anymore.
Because I am just bunch of letters that spells out E-M-P-T-Y.

Nothing I do can change these things. They are who and what I am.
I guess I fool myself into thinking I'm finally happy. How happy can I ever be?????? I do love my husband with all my heart.....and I know he loves me. But there is nothing there either.
We are two wounded people trying to make a life. I can't see that ever happening because there is no life in me anymore.....just letters.
I try so hard because I want to be someone that CAN be loved. But deep down, I know that will never change. Jim may love me......I know he does........he's the most wonderful man in the world.......but that doesn't change who or what I am.

An empty shell of letters.

All for Naught.....

Yes, of course, the title is a pun.....but not today. I feel like everything I am doing is for naught. Why continue therapy???? Jim's not. He's just in his insulated little circle happy with status quo. And is continuing therapy going to enable me to have a relationship with my granddaughter....NO. Because NO MATTER WHAT I am dog shit when it comes to that baby. I am so hurt by all the events in the last weeks that I don't even care about anything anymore. Why bother....cuz it's all for naught. Why should I go thru all the pain and hurt of bringing up things when no one else gives a damn or even notices. I have been trying to come up with ONE GOOD REASON to continue to see Terry and I can't think of one. Whenever I see her it's just to drudge up past pains and talk about all the things I'm doing wrong now. And I have made vast strides in fixing those wrongs. I'm no where near perfect, but I'm still considered worthless and useless. So why bother dealing with that. Jim is perfectly happy to pretend there's nothing wrong and sit on his damned computer and/or in front of the TV day after day. That's not the life I want.....but I can't make him see Terri.....he was, but now he doesn't....and nor, do I believe does he want to. So why the hell should I go thru all the pain and hurt and anger when it's not going to help us one bit. It takes two to make a marriage and I can't be the only one who is trying to get 'fixed.' (And just so it's known, most of that is just a rant. He's wonderful and I love him more than anything in the world....and I know he loves me. But sometimes it really angers me that he doesn't deal with stuff as quickly as I want him to.......and that's MY issue, not his..............but, again, it's just a rant............and I'm in a VERY ranting mood!!!!)
And besides, all the pain and issused that I've dealt with and all the changes that I've made are not good enough for me to even hold that beautiful baby. I have come to the realization that they do not want me near her and they don't want me around any parts of their lives.
That is the biggest hurt I've ever felt in my life.
Like I said....all for naught!
Pointless.