Stuff for Emmils

Ups and Downs.....

We went to the Noon Mass today as Richard has his Rite Of Sending. All went well and I'm just so proud of him. He's growing up into such a fine young man....although there ARE times I just want to throttle him! LOL!!! He and his dad looked so handsome up at the front of the church.

After church we came home and I started working on the knitting machine....learning how to set it up etc etc. Yes, I knitted Emily's scarf on it, but knitting a SCARF is pretty much idiot proof. No shaping, no increases or decreases......just plain knit. I got it all set up and knit a swatch for the sweater that I'm going to TRY and make tomorrow.
In the meantime, Jim went to the Cursillo meeting. Right, after he got home I asked him to come in the front room so we could talk.
All day long I've been trying to figure out how to not be angry with him. I have to forgive him.....I have to because it's the right thing to do.......because it will ruin our marriage if I don't.....because each Sunday I pray the "Our Father" which says that I need to forgive others as I am forgiven.......and mostly because I love him more than anything in the world. But I don't know how to not be angry and hurt. And the more I thought about it the more I wondered why Richard shouldn't be given another chance with his skateboard too. (And there are a ton of reasons why not....especially given the fact that he TRULY does not feel that Jim should have any authority over him.....that's the biggest thing).
But we were sitting there talking heart to heart......and Richard popped in a couple of times about this or that (and I had told him that he could surf on the web...which STUNNED the living daylights out of him) and then he knocked on the door again and told us that his Grandma June had passed about 20 minutes ago. I had asked Jim if he could call Diana earlier in the day and he did. Then she called him back this evening right after she passed. Jim got on the phone with her and just cried and cried. He really loved June.....she was a sweet woman.
So we spent the evening back and forth on the phone with Tory. Tory wants Richard to go to California with her so we are trying to get all that straight. Tory also wants Jim to go...but we just don't have the money for a ticket.
Tory is going to call back tomorrow with more details and we are going to go from there.
One of the biggest things today was that Tory told me she loved me. She has never said that before........and she doesn't NOT say those words easily!!! I've waited for this day for a long time......I really do love her like a daughter.

No Knitting.....

I've had better days...but then again, I've had worse days.
I got up this morning and left Jim to sleep in. I wanted Richard to go onto the computer to find out what saint he was going to chooses as his patron saint. But before he did that I checked to make sure that he had not gone to any appropriate sites yesterday while we were at WalMart. Well, there were all kinds of them. So I asked him if he went to any sites that he shouldn't have and he said that the only thing that could be considered 'inappropriate' would be the sites he went to for his biology report on different kinds of bacteria, viruses, etc. He was checking the one on herpes, but, he swore, he didn't click on anything that he shouldn't have. Hmmmmm. I told Jim about it and he didn't say anything. Then when he got up he lashed into me because I hooked up the wireless keyboard/mouse on his computer for him. I'm always doing that sort of thing for him so it was weird that he lashed out. I asked him if it was HIS porn and he said yes. WE then ended up going around for about 3 hours....all very civilly and rationally, but in the end I basically told him that he had made his choice on who he wanted....them or me.
It started out with him somewhat admitting that it wasn't good that he went to those sites. But it was art. BULL!!! I told him that if it was TRULY art then he wouldn't have a problem going to those sites with Richard or me in the room. And yes, I do believe that the nude female body is one of the most beautiful things on earth....or at least some of them...LOL....those of us over 40 who have had kids do NOT fall into that category!! LOL!
Then he said it was wrong and that he shouldn't have done that. After that, I asked him how he was going to approach it with Richard (who has already been disciplined for going to porn sites) and he said that he was going to tell him what happened and that he shouldn't have gone to them but he wasn't really.... That's when I jumped off the boat. Yes, I should have let him finish, but, dammit, we are constantly on Richard to stop justifying why this or that is 'not really wrong' and to not weasel out of responsibility. And that's exactly what Richard would see it as....I know....because just like me, he thinks in black and white.....either it's this way or it's that way. He tries to use gray a lot, but he can spot a hypocritical weasel excuse a mile away. So I got upset again and said that it was crap and walked out. Then I went to the history and printed out some of the 'art' that he was viewing. Some were very tasteful, but all were geared towards sexual arousal......and most were out and out hoochie pics!!! So I took them in to Jim and gave him his "art" and told him if he TRULY believed that these were truly artistic and not for sexual gratification, then he would have no problem showing them to Richard.....or the Deacon or Father for that matter!

Another "No Picture" Day....

It's late so this will be short.
I spent a quiet day cleaning etc while stewing about Jim. He came home after work and came in and sat down in my computer room and told me that he had gone in to see the dentist. They came up with a treatment plan for the periodontitis and he is scheduled for a biopsy on March 23rd.
Part of his 'lackadaisical" attitude yesterday was geared totally towards calming my anxieties. But it only did the opposite. I kept getting more upset at the fact that he didn't see any seriousness in the situation. And the more upset I got the more he tried to make light of it.
He's my whole world and I can't imagine my life without him. It's taken me a lifetime to find him............and I want to spend a lifetime with him.........without missing one extra minute!!!

I'm so angry right now.....and I have no one to talk to and no one to turn to. I guess that's what happens when the only friend you have is your therapist. Yes, we are very involved in our church, but we never socialize with anyone there. We really like 99.9% of the people there, but we are so busy dealing with all of our stuff that there really is no time to go out to dinner etc. There are a number of people I could call in a real emergency (Real Emergency=Blood or Smoke), but I'm not close enough with anyone to really call them and pour my heart out. OK, there is ONE person who I could do that with..........but she's been in intensive care since October, so she has her own issues going on.
This is one of those times when I believe that I should have never left Mr. X (as Laurie/Crazy Aunt Purl so eloquently calls HER ex). Oh sure, he was a lying, conniving jerk who had the mentality and maturity and intelligence of an 8 year old. He was all the ALL TIME RULING KING of Passive Aggressive Behavior. All in all, I really hate him for all the things he has done.....especially to our daughter. He has used her time and time again to hurt me....and not given one hoot about how he hurts her. He sucked at being a husband......he never figured out how to be a man.....and he's a down-right joke as a father!!!! I am so glad he's out of my life.........well, ALMOST out of my life......if I could get rid of the almost-nightly nightmares that I have about him, I would be doing much better. But they never seem to stop.
Anyway...even with all that, at least I had my walls built around me and had hardened my heart. I didn't love him...........he killed that off lie by lie. And even though I was miserable, at least I was insulated. Now I'm not.
So which is worse, being miserable or finally being happy and having the rug pulled out from under you................again.
Every fricken person in my life (except Terri, my friend/therapist; Jim, my husband; and Jeffrey, my son, my friend, my confidante...and my beloved and devoted dog, Tucker [and YES, he IS a person!!!!!]) has bailed on me or not cared enough about anything to really give a shit about how Mr. X REALLY acted. My mother (and I use that term loosely), her husband, and my sister has bought his poor puppy-dog victim to the hilt. They don't even care how he moved a grown man in with our daughter when she was 16 years old. (I'm sure that it's MY fault somehow). The ONLY person in my family who has not written me off is my grandmother in Iowa. And I know a huge reason she hasn't is because she has gone thru the SAME EXACT THING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, back to why I'm angry...........and hurt beyond words. Today Jim and I had our first dentist appointments with the dental clinic on post. Knowing how petrified I am of dentists, I took 1 mg of Ativan....and then another .5 mg when I got there. Jim didn't show up to pick me up until the very last minute so we were running late.........which always stresses me out..........add that to RUNNING LATE FOR A DENTIST APPOINTMENT and it goes off the charts!!!!!!
I went first because I knew that watching him in the chair would just make me more and more anxious until it was my turn. It's a good thing I did. I had a really good check-up. No periodontal disease and my teeth look really good. She did say that I grind my teeth and would like me to wear an appliance, but that was just about it.
So then Jim gets in the chair and as soon as she looks in his mouth she kinda paused and asked if he uses smokeless tobacco too. He has a 'spot' that she is 'uncomfortable with' and has referred him for a biopsy!!!! OK! DEEP BREATH!!!!!!!!!!! It could be anything. It could be nothing.
I was already bawling my eyes out from being in the chair....even with the Ativan. But this upset me even more. OK, another DEEP BREATH!!! So she did his periodontal screening and he has full-blown periodontis. I know what the implications of that are.....higher risk for heart attack, heart disease, stroke, etc. If it were just a matter of 'oh well, I guess I'll end up with false teeth" I really wouldn't get upset. But when she said that he threw up his arms (a la football ref when there's a touchdown) and said "YES!!!" I guess it's a big joke to him. I guess everything is a big joke to him. OK....so I go out to the van to cry a little to let it out........DEEP BREATH.....wipe face....compose self......and I'm telling myself that everything is OK. Yes, he needs a biopsy because there is something 'of concern' in his mouth.....and, yes, he has full blown periodontis that can cause a slew of major health issues....not to mention the fact that he can pass those germs to me (according to the dr)...........but I'm telling myself that things will be fine...one step at a time...etc etc. So I walk back up the sidewalk and there he is casually smoking another cigarette. It took everything in my not to walk up to him, slap him across the face and shred every cigarette he had.
What is it going to take for him to see the health ramifications of smoking and what it could do to our future???????????????????????????????????????? A malignant result? Surgery? Hospice????
I feel like he's gambling with our future and doesn't care if he leaves me alone. I'm so angry at his selfishness. I'm so angry that I don't matter enough for him to want to make sure he's around longer. I'm so angry that the cigarettes are more important to him than a future together. I'm so angry at him for being such a hypocrite!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He will get all over me for self-destructive behavior that I've had. But HE can gamble with the life of the man that I've looked for all my life. I love him more than anything in the world and I'm so angry that he might be the one who, thru his own actions, takes him away from me. If anyone else ever tried to hurt him I would not think twice about killing them. BOOM! Blown away dead! No problem at all! But now HE'S the one who is doing something that could end our life together.
I understand that smoking is an ADDICTION. He has quit smoking before....so we both know he can do it. And I understand that it's easy to put things off until a wake up call happens. What the hell is a biopsy....if not a HUGE wake up call!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????
At least with Mr. X I wouldn't be hurt by anything happening to him. So now I've opened my heart and loved more than I have ever loved before.............and I find out that cigarettes are more important than that love and that future.
Great.

Emily's Scarf

Viva La KnitPicks!!!!

WOOHOOOOO!
My set of KnitPicks Options came today and they are BEAUTIFUL!!! I almost didn't want to take them out of the package cuz they looked so pretty all lined up in order. BUT, who could resist?????



I got the whole set of Options, 6 extra 60" cables (I thought I was ordering 3 cables....DUH!!! Oh well.......you can't have too many knitting supplies......at least **I** can't!!!), and 2 skeins of Knit Picks Dancing. I really didn't care for the colors that they have.....I think the purple-y one is kinda cool, but they don't have that one anymore, I guess. So I got the 'least ugly' one.....but I still think it will knit up to be some really cool socks!!! The biggest thing that sold me on this yarn is the content (41% cotton, 39% wool, 13% nylon, 7% elastic). I'm glad I got them...they are nice and squishy and soft.


On a pet note, Phoebe is LOVING her new perch that Jim and I put up yesterday. She's been up there all day surveying her kingdom. Right now she's lazing in the warm sun....soaking up ALL the rays!!!

Cat Trees and Cursillo

After Mass we stopped at WalMart and picked up a cat 'tree' for Phoebe. It was made for 8' ceilings, but all we had to do was substitute a 3/4" dowel for the extension pipe and it fit the 10' ceiling. Jim also used an old cat platform that we had for the bottom piece so that there could be a platform at the top of the tree. Without doing that the top platform would be about a foot below the curtain rod.....which is asking for a disaster. Now there is one ABOVE the curtain rods and she is free to sit on the arched window ledges.
Jim had a Cursillio meeting this evening that went from 1800HRS to 2130HRS. I know he really wants to do this, but he's so exhausted all the time already....this is a 4 month commitment to be on team. I don't want him to do it.........but, if he decides that he can fit it in, I will support him. It will be very hard to not be resentful, however, when he spends darned near EVERY evening dozing in the chair (like he already does!!!) because he's got too many irons in the fire.

YEAH! First Heels on First Socks DONE!!!!

YEAH! I finally got one heel on the Black Marled Socks done!!! I've been arguing with it for over an hour...but it really wasn't that hard once I got the technique down. I'm going to finish the other heel tomorrow...I'm way too tired tonight. We moved stuff and cleaned all day today, then I sat down and started knitting. My shoulders feel like I've been moving boulders around with them all day. I got a travel pillow to use behind my head because I keep finding myself stretching my head forward to see the knitting better. Hopefully, the pillow will help.
Richard is STILL at the church helping with the auction. I didn't DARE go. I didn't see all the stuff that they had up for auction...which, I guess, is a REALLY good thing! Both Jim and Rich said that they had some really great stuff. The one thing that I *DID* see was an oak clock that was donated. It was BEAUTIFUL!!!! Richard called and said that it went for $65. I'm glad I wasn't there! LOL! I think I would have cried. The chime was BEAUTIFUL on it!
Off to bed now....we have to go to church early for Steve V's birthday party and then I have to serve communion. This is only the second time that I've had to serve it and it makes me REALLY, REALLY nervous to be up in front of the church and then serving the Body and Blood. Last time my hand was shaking so hard that I was afraid that I was going to drop the chalice!!!!
NITERS!

Practice Heels!

Here are two short row heels that I tried. I really dislike the looks of the 'regular' heels with the heel flaps. I think they are really unappealing to the eye. The first heel (on the left) I made was a Sherman Heel. I really didn't care for the way they came out....it could have me screwing them up, but I didn't like all the little "x" things that were along the miter.
The second heel that I tried was from the tutorial on CosmicPluto's WONDERFUL Short-Row Tutorial. She has GREAT pictures....but even with the great pics I managed to screw up the heel....but then I finally 'got' it. One of the miters looks really great, but the other one is really funky. But I get it now enough that I'm going to try to do that heel on the real socks!!
Actually, after I posted this pic I did do one heel before going to bed. I ended up with 2 wrapped stitches on one side and the other was done. :-( I think it was because of the black yarn. It was so hard for me to see which stitch was the first double-wrapped stitch. I'm getting ready to frog it right now and try again. This time I will use stitch markers to mark the wrapped stitches! DUH!!!

Crowns are on!!

Richard got his crowns put on today ($3000 ARGH!!!!!!!!!). He has great looking teeth now and I *STILL* can't get the boy to smile for a picture! LOL! This is one of the gals that works at the dental clinic. She could be Jim's long lost sister! She has a fiery wit and looks just like Mary Ann and Ree!!!

Exhausting Day..............

This was the final result of an exhausting day. Emily left tons of stuff in the room and it was a disaster. I had to pack what she left......AFTER sorting her stuff from her trash!! UG!! That took a few hours. Then I had to move everything out, vacuum, and shampoo the whole carpet. It was filthy!!!
While I was doing that I threw the curtains in the wash and at the end of the night I starched and ironed them (hence the ironing board on the left side of the pic. Jim put the brackets for the curtain rod up for me and I got those hung. Then I moved my chair in the corner and just relaxed for a while!!!!