Hurt and angry...........

Richard is trying his damnedest to get up to Iowa for the summer. He pulled some crap last summer that really betrayed the trust of his Aunt and Uncle and was told that he couldn't come back up there. Months later he called and apologized and his Uncle said that if he got good grades and straightened his act up then he might be able to come up there this summer.....but he also had to call Uncle S. and keep him up to date on what was going on and how things were going. He only called Uncle S. once.....at Xmas.
Well, last night he called Uncle S. and asked if he could come up there. I guess Uncle S. was really close to letting him come until Richard said "well......all I need is a place to crash". That did it for Uncle S. That told him that Richard was just coming up there to use them 'as a place to crash' while he was out and about doing whatever. That's all well and good, but Richard was telling Uncle S. that the whole reason he wanted to go up there was because he wanted to spend time with them, he missed them, blah, blah, blah. Then he shot himself in the foot. Uncle S. told him that he wasn't going to have him come up there for him to pull the same crap as last year and that he couldn't come. He also told him to NOT call his grandmother and ask her. She lives in subsidized housing as she is disabled and on a fixed income. So, as soon as he hangs up with Uncle S. he calls Grandma and damned near begs her to stay there..........he said he'll even sleep on the floor.
That's when I realized that something was up.
So I told Jim that I was going to call Uncle S. to see what all was going on. That's when he told me all that he had said to Richard. I told him that he HAD called his Grandmother and what all was said. Uncle S. called Grandma and then called Richard and, I guess, let him have it.
Richard, in the meantime is asking us to let him stay "with the people down the street from Aunt R. and Uncle S." AS IF!!!!!! He really thinks this is an option and was incredulous when we said NO WAY.
Ok.....that's what all went on, but then something weird, in my (crazy) mind happened.
Jim was working on a computer from work....trying to install the OS, drivers, etc and was having a helluva time. I was at his computer in the bedroom trying to find something on the computer and asked him to come in so I could show it to him. He leaned over to look at the monitor and I leaned over towards him to kiss him and he leaned away and I almost fell out of the chair trying to kiss him. At first I thought it was a joke. But then he started yelling at me how he said that Richard can't go to Iowa and that I went behind his back to call Uncle S. to smooth things over so that Richard could go up there even though Jim said he couldn't.
I was astounded. I told him that I would never go behind his back like that and that I didn't do that. He just snorted and walked away and said "Yeah, right, that's why he had to sit and listen to his son on the phone telling whoever that he really wanted to go up there because he hates it here so much etc etc etc." (Jim had set up a little workstation outside my computer room door which is right by Richard's bedroom door....Jim had to be where he could have a LAN cable reach the computer he was working on.)
I just sat there with my mouth hanging open because I truly couldn't believe that he thought I went behind his back like that!!!! So I called Uncle S. and told him that for some reason my husband thinks that I was calling him to smooth things over etc and would he explain what was really said. Uncle S. said that he was surprised because from everything we talked about we were totally on the same sheet of music that Richard was trying to pull an end run around everyone just to get up there and 'have a place to crash' so he could do this, that and the other.
I just took the phone to Jim and said "It's for you" and handed it to him. Then I said "I'm NOT Dottie" and walked away. Then I got all my stuff together and slept in the front room because I was hurt and angry (waaaaaaaaaaaay more hurt than angry) that Jim would think that I would betray him like that. I didn't say another word to him.
I did hear him on the phone with Uncle S. (with whom he is not very close) for over a half an hour and from Jim's tones and laughing here and there, it seemed to be a very pleasant conversation. I have no idea what was said on either end.....I had the door closed.
So, here I sit today not knowing whether to be mad or hurt. Hurt is REALLY winning. I can see why Jim would go there because of all the shit Dotti did to him....BUT, he has lied to me about money more times than I can count..........and betrayed my trust and lied about it concerning online porn, so it pisses me off. (HOWEVER, I believe that intention has lots of merit and I know that whenever he did lie it wasn't so much to be a weasel, but rather to not 'lose face' in my eyes. And as far as the "betrayal" with the porn......I'm past that.......he has a addiction with it and has worked on it......it has nothing to do with how he feels about me.)
Anyway, I just don't even know what to say to him.
Hell, I don't even know what to FEEL!!!!!
So what else is new. I with there was guide on which feeling is the CORRECT one for each situation!!! LOL!!!

Black or White..........

Things have been very up and down since my last post.......as is the case of most BPD. The thing that I hate the most is actually FORGETTING the good or the bad. I totally forget if I've been damn near suicidal by the next couple of days. Terri says that's all part of the Borderline way of thinking. Either something is all good or all bad....black or white....no gray areas......just total one way or the other. And when things are going well for me I totally blank out the near hysterical day I had just two days ago..........I don't even remember that it happened until someone reminds me. I feel so stupid and crazy. I mean what kind of moron can't remember having a total fit over ______ and yelling and screaming. No wonder my kids thought I was nuts.......I was....and I am.

The funny thing is all those sorts of things are the things that I would tell the numerous therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, etc etc etc over the years trying to find out why I was so.......crazy......moody.......pissy..........forgetful........etc.
Add the PTSD to the mix and you have a total NUTJOB!!!