Borderline Personality Disorder.
Personality Disorder.
Disordered Personality.
Stress Disorder.
Post-Traumatic.
Borderline Traumatic.
Borderline Attention Deficit.
Post Traumatic Attention Deficit Disorder.
Personality Deficit Disorder.
Ahhhhhh.......maybe that's the right one.
It feels right......
How about:
Traumatic Personality Deficit Disorder???
That one is even better!!!!
Labels. Letters. Diagnoses. Therapies. Coping Skills.
All for WHAT!!! ALL FOR NAUGHT!!!
There comes a point when you realize that those labels ARE who you are. They define everything about you.
They define how I think.
They define how I react.
They define how I see the world.
They define how I treat others.
They ARE me.......and I am them.
I am a Traumatized, Disordered, person Deficit of Personality. My OWN personality.
How can I not be THEM???
How can there even be a ME in there......everything that they are defines everything that I am.
There is no me.
I am a greying, sagging shell that holds disorders and deficits galore. What's to love? I can't see a thing. There is no me..........just a body of alphabet soup.
I don't want to try anymore.
I don't want to talk anymore.
I don't want to love anymore.
I don't want to BE loved anymore.
Because I am just bunch of letters that spells out E-M-P-T-Y.
Nothing I do can change these things. They are who and what I am.
I guess I fool myself into thinking I'm finally happy. How happy can I ever be?????? I do love my husband with all my heart.....and I know he loves me. But there is nothing there either.
We are two wounded people trying to make a life. I can't see that ever happening because there is no life in me anymore.....just letters.
I try so hard because I want to be someone that CAN be loved. But deep down, I know that will never change. Jim may love me......I know he does........he's the most wonderful man in the world.......but that doesn't change who or what I am.
An empty shell of letters.
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2 comments:
I PM'd you on Ravelry. ((((Hugs))))
M. :)
I'm bipolar, but I don't let it define who I am, because I know that there is so much more to me than that. You can either stay wounded or choose to heal, but you have to let yourself be healed. These labels, just like the condition they represent, are all in the mind. Also, try Jesus, he's the only one that filled my emptiness. He forgets your past and loves you no matter what, and will lift you up to be the kind of person you were meant to be. I hope that you overcome being E-M-P-T-Y. It's not a way to be.
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