I'm so angry right now.....and I have no one to talk to and no one to turn to. I guess that's what happens when the only friend you have is your therapist. Yes, we are very involved in our church, but we never socialize with anyone there. We really like 99.9% of the people there, but we are so busy dealing with all of our stuff that there really is no time to go out to dinner etc. There are a number of people I could call in a real emergency (Real Emergency=Blood or Smoke), but I'm not close enough with anyone to really call them and pour my heart out. OK, there is ONE person who I could do that with..........but she's been in intensive care since October, so she has her own issues going on.
This is one of those times when I believe that I should have never left Mr. X (as Laurie/Crazy Aunt Purl so eloquently calls HER ex). Oh sure, he was a lying, conniving jerk who had the mentality and maturity and intelligence of an 8 year old. He was all the ALL TIME RULING KING of Passive Aggressive Behavior. All in all, I really hate him for all the things he has done.....especially to our daughter. He has used her time and time again to hurt me....and not given one hoot about how he hurts her. He sucked at being a husband......he never figured out how to be a man.....and he's a down-right joke as a father!!!! I am so glad he's out of my life.........well, ALMOST out of my life......if I could get rid of the almost-nightly nightmares that I have about him, I would be doing much better. But they never seem to stop.
Anyway...even with all that, at least I had my walls built around me and had hardened my heart. I didn't love him...........he killed that off lie by lie. And even though I was miserable, at least I was insulated. Now I'm not.
So which is worse, being miserable or finally being happy and having the rug pulled out from under you................again.
Every fricken person in my life (except Terri, my friend/therapist; Jim, my husband; and Jeffrey, my son, my friend, my confidante...and my beloved and devoted dog, Tucker [and YES, he IS a person!!!!!]) has bailed on me or not cared enough about anything to really give a shit about how Mr. X REALLY acted. My mother (and I use that term loosely), her husband, and my sister has bought his poor puppy-dog victim to the hilt. They don't even care how he moved a grown man in with our daughter when she was 16 years old. (I'm sure that it's MY fault somehow). The ONLY person in my family who has not written me off is my grandmother in Iowa. And I know a huge reason she hasn't is because she has gone thru the SAME EXACT THING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, back to why I'm angry...........and hurt beyond words. Today Jim and I had our first dentist appointments with the dental clinic on post. Knowing how petrified I am of dentists, I took 1 mg of Ativan....and then another .5 mg when I got there. Jim didn't show up to pick me up until the very last minute so we were running late.........which always stresses me out..........add that to RUNNING LATE FOR A DENTIST APPOINTMENT and it goes off the charts!!!!!!
I went first because I knew that watching him in the chair would just make me more and more anxious until it was my turn. It's a good thing I did. I had a really good check-up. No periodontal disease and my teeth look really good. She did say that I grind my teeth and would like me to wear an appliance, but that was just about it.
So then Jim gets in the chair and as soon as she looks in his mouth she kinda paused and asked if he uses smokeless tobacco too. He has a 'spot' that she is 'uncomfortable with' and has referred him for a biopsy!!!! OK! DEEP BREATH!!!!!!!!!!! It could be anything. It could be nothing.
I was already bawling my eyes out from being in the chair....even with the Ativan. But this upset me even more. OK, another DEEP BREATH!!! So she did his periodontal screening and he has full-blown periodontis. I know what the implications of that are.....higher risk for heart attack, heart disease, stroke, etc. If it were just a matter of 'oh well, I guess I'll end up with false teeth" I really wouldn't get upset. But when she said that he threw up his arms (a la football ref when there's a touchdown) and said "YES!!!" I guess it's a big joke to him. I guess everything is a big joke to him. OK....so I go out to the van to cry a little to let it out........DEEP BREATH.....wipe face....compose self......and I'm telling myself that everything is OK. Yes, he needs a biopsy because there is something 'of concern' in his mouth.....and, yes, he has full blown periodontis that can cause a slew of major health issues....not to mention the fact that he can pass those germs to me (according to the dr)...........but I'm telling myself that things will be fine...one step at a time...etc etc. So I walk back up the sidewalk and there he is casually smoking another cigarette. It took everything in my not to walk up to him, slap him across the face and shred every cigarette he had.
What is it going to take for him to see the health ramifications of smoking and what it could do to our future???????????????????????????????????????? A malignant result? Surgery? Hospice????
I feel like he's gambling with our future and doesn't care if he leaves me alone. I'm so angry at his selfishness. I'm so angry that I don't matter enough for him to want to make sure he's around longer. I'm so angry that the cigarettes are more important to him than a future together. I'm so angry at him for being such a hypocrite!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He will get all over me for self-destructive behavior that I've had. But HE can gamble with the life of the man that I've looked for all my life. I love him more than anything in the world and I'm so angry that he might be the one who, thru his own actions, takes him away from me. If anyone else ever tried to hurt him I would not think twice about killing them. BOOM! Blown away dead! No problem at all! But now HE'S the one who is doing something that could end our life together.
I understand that smoking is an ADDICTION. He has quit smoking before....so we both know he can do it. And I understand that it's easy to put things off until a wake up call happens. What the hell is a biopsy....if not a HUGE wake up call!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????
At least with Mr. X I wouldn't be hurt by anything happening to him. So now I've opened my heart and loved more than I have ever loved before.............and I find out that cigarettes are more important than that love and that future.
Great.