Memorial Day.... sigh

so it's Memorial Day. Wat's the difference? Ever since I found out that
Andy was killed I think about him all the time. I think about what happened. What he felt. What his buddies saw. How they felt. And most of all, I think about the sweetest girl in the world....Katy. My heart cries for her every day for her loss. He was the love of her live and the father of their children. I have met very few couples who are as sycophantic as they were. She's much too young to be a widow and those children will barely remember their daddy. I know she will keep that memory alive for them all their lives. I've tried to find Katy to call her, but I haven't been able to. sigh.

We had a huge lunch today. I felt like a fraud. How can we be celebrating our family 1) when Jeff is 'over there, and 2) how can we even think about celebrating when there is a family in Indiana that's missed someone who is mose beloved to them. Father, son, brother, husband....he was all of these things.......but no longer. Just thinking about them breaks my heart more than I can even say..............and it's not helping the stress levels here in a house where Terri tells us our marriage is in bad shape.
That's SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO what I needed to hear today. I thought I/we were doing so much better. It's getting to the point that no matter how much I try it's not good enough. Why bother trying anymore????? What's the point????? If I can't make any headway, then why bother trying to climb the mountain aymore???? Jim is all I've ever wanted, but I guess I am too selfish to even unstand what I am doing wrong. I guess in so many ways I am my mother all over again and that in inseft is a GREAT reason to to just say the hell with everything and anyone one. I try and I try and I try. I want to be 'normal' soooo badly. I don't know how and I feel like i never will.
Why keep beating a dead horse. If it ain't gonna happen then what's the point of putting all the people thru all the shit. Terri cold find some less nuts clients and not waste her time. And Jim cold find someone who will truly treat hm the way he deserves. Obviously, I am not smart enough or sane enough to 'get it' and I could tell that
Terri was totally pissed off tonight.....as well she should be. I'm not that dumb. But I just don't think that I will ever get being normal. It's just not in the cards for me. It just makes me wonder why I'm even hear.....other than to waste oxygen.

Andrew R Weiss� - Iraq War Heroes, Fallen Heroes Memorial

Andrew R Weiss� - Iraq War Heroes, Fallen Heroes Memorial

Andrew R Weiss

Lafayette, Indiana

May 3, 2007

Age Military Rank Unit/Location 28 Army Spc 1st Battalion, 5th Cavalry Regiment, 2nd Brigade, 1st Cavalry Division Fort Hood, Texas

Killed in Baghdad, Iraq, when an improvised explosive device detonated near his vehicle.

My Dear Husband Tonight...there are few things I know for sure. I know that I am surrounded by those who love me. I know that at some point all of this will hit me. I know that the reality that is floating in my head has yet to reach my heart and I know that is the blessing of time God has granted me to finish my tasks at hand. I know that there was a man who knew me inside out and not only accepted those things but embraced and love them and me. I know in everyway he was brilliant, funny, loyal, refreshing, logical, spontaneous, serious, deep, laid back, loving, concerned, blunt and most definitely dear. I know and have known that in my husband I had my best friend, the father of my children, and my kindred spirit. What a spirit he was in life. What an impact to my life he was and to those he surrounded himself with. I realized tonight that while he was cheated out of at least 70 years my husband of almost 7 years had married young, became a father of two children, a honorable man, a provider of love and security, a life long friend and a man who in the end of it all never broke the most precious promise he ever made me. He loved me. He honored me. He cherished me until the day he died. BUT...as cheated as all of us who know him feel and I know we do feel cheated out of seeing all the things my Andy would have become...I look at our almost 4 year old who is half of him and our 1 year old son who is half of him and I realized that my Dear and Constant Love is still indeed whole when I do the math. My comfort and my strength comes to me in knowing he gave me three great gifts: Lilly, Jack, and his life continued in two forms he and I created together. My Andy will have a life complete and while it isn't what we had in mind when we began this journey almost 11 years ago. It will have to be this way. Andy was a soldier and for that the public will celebrate the hero he is. But...for those of us who knew him we know he was so much more than that....

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Don't Let The Memory Of Them Drift Away

Copyright 2003,2004,2005,2006,2007 Q Madp PO Box 86888 Portland OR 97286-0888 q@IraqWarHeroes.com

Ok...this is one that's scary!

I am not one that usually jumps on the fear mongering train about this or that is going to kill you. EVERYTHING is going to kill you somehow.....life is terminal!!! But this article is one that's pretty scary.

Caution: Some soft drinks may seriously harm your health - Independent Online Edition > Health

Caution: Some soft drinks may seriously harm your health

Expert links additive to cell damage

By Martin Hickman, Consumer Affairs Correspondent

Published: 27 May 2007

A new health scare erupted over soft drinks last night amid evidence they may cause serious cell damage. Research from a British university suggests a common preservative found in drinks such as Fanta and Pepsi Max has the ability to switch off vital parts of DNA.

The problem - more usually associated with ageing and alcohol abuse - can eventually lead to cirrhosis of the liver and degenerative diseases such as Parkinson's.

The findings could have serious consequences for the hundreds of millions of people worldwide who consume fizzy drinks. They will also intensify the controversy about food additives, which have been linked to hyperactivity in children.

Concerns centre on the safety of E211, known as sodium benzoate, a preservative used for decades by the £74bn global carbonated drinks industry. Sodium benzoate derives from benzoic acid. It occurs naturally in berries, but is used in large quantities to prevent mould in soft drinks such as Sprite, Oasis and Dr Pepper. It is also added to pickles and sauces.

Sodium benzoate has already been the subject of concern about cancer because when mixed with the additive vitamin C in soft drinks, it causes benzene, a carcinogenic substance. A Food Standards Agency survey of benzene in drinks last year found high levels in four brands which were removed from sale.

Now, an expert in ageing at Sheffield University, who has been working on sodium benzoate since publishing a research paper in 1999, has decided to speak out about another danger. Professor Peter Piper, a professor of molecular biology and biotechnology, tested the impact of sodium benzoate on living yeast cells in his laboratory. What he found alarmed him: the benzoate was damaging an important area of DNA in the "power station" of cells known as the mitochondria.

He told The Independent on Sunday: "These chemicals have the ability to cause severe damage to DNA in the mitochondria to the point that they totally inactivate it: they knock it out altogether.

"The mitochondria consumes the oxygen to give you energy and if you damage it - as happens in a number if diseased states - then the cell starts to malfunction very seriously. And there is a whole array of diseases that are now being tied to damage to this DNA - Parkinson's and quite a lot of neuro-degenerative diseases, but above all the whole process of ageing."

The Food Standards Agency (FSA) backs the use of sodium benzoate in the UK and it has been approved by the European Union but last night, MPs called for it to investigate urgently.

Norman Baker, the Liberal Democrat chair of Parliament's all-party environment group said: "Many additives are relatively new and their long-term impact cannot be certain. This preservative clearly needs to be investigated further by the FSA."

A review of sodium benzoate by the World Health Organisation in 2000 concluded that it was safe, but it noted that the available science supporting its safety was "limited".

Professor Piper, whose work has been funded by a government research council, said tests conducted by the US Food and Drug Administration were out of date.

"The food industry will say these compounds have been tested and they are complete safe," he said. "By the criteria of modern safety testing, the safety tests were inadequate. Like all things, safety testing moves forward and you can conduct a much more rigorous safety test than you could 50 years ago."

He advised parents to think carefully about buying drinks with preservatives until the quantities in products were proved safe by new tests. "My concern is for children who are drinking large amounts," he said.

Coca-Cola and Britvic's Pepsi Max and Diet Pepsi all contain sodium benzoate. Their makers and the British Soft Drinks Association said they entrusted the safety of additives to the Government.

sigh

That's the best I can come up with right now. Mr. X and Emily were supposed to leave this morning for Ohio, but I guess they are still hanging out at Christopher's house. I haven't seen nor heard from Emily since last night when she got pissed off after calling me and wanting me to find her bathing suit in her boxes. I told her that I was exhausted and that I had no clue where it was and was too tired to dig in all her boxes that were sitting out in front of our house. We were getting ready to go to bed and she had left her laptop and weekend bag here so we took them over and dropped them off at Christopher's apartment so that we could go to bed.
I tried to call her today to tell her that it was supposed to rain soon but she had left her phone with Jeff G. so she could go over to the high school and visit. So I had to call Mr. X. Mr. X and Christopher came over and picker up all her stuff before the rain started. Now it's later than they were planning on leaving and I haven't even heard from her. I really wanted to spend some time with her, but I guess that's not going to happen....as usual.
Diane left this morning, I guess. If I'm really lucky I will never have to see her again. She has never been a mother to me.....and she is so self-absorbed it's not even funny. I only get hurt whenever she's around.
And it seems the same thing happens whenever Emily is around. I'm good enough to call/visit when she wants something....but other than that she doesn't give me the time of day.
I just want to crawl in a corner and cry today.

My wonderful son is now a husband to a wonderful woman!!!

Well, the day finally came and went and we all survived. I am so glad that I was the Mother Of The Groom because I wouldn't have know what to do otherwise!!!!!!
The wedding was wonderful and we had a lovely time at the reception. Mr. X and Diane (my mother) were both there and they were both on their best behavior. Mr. X even shook Jim's hand when Jim congratulated him. That was going some for him.
I feel like I wrung out old wash rag right now and just want to crawl into a closet for a week and just knit it all away.
Like I said, I had no responsibilities, thank God, at the wedding, and it still was nerve wracking for me.
Here are some pics of the beautiful couple. Sarah was beautiful and I know I am biased, but I think Christopher is beyond handsome.

Day before the wedding....

I've been wanting to post for ages, but it's 'just too hard.' Almost like it's just too depressing. I've been trying to get thru each day as it comes and some are harder than others. Luckily, I found out that the Klonipin that the dr prescribed REALLY works on my anxiety and mood swing issues. (That was the dentist story that I'm sure I'll write about some other time.)
My mother flew in to Killeen today and Jim and I picked her up. She was really nice and actually hugged me. She came over and had a drink....ok....half the bottle of Peach Schnapps....and we sat out on the porch and talked. It was all very nice and cordial. We asked her to stay with us instead of the hotel......I told her that i would REALLY like her to stay, but she said that she already had a room with David and Emily and that they had her credit card number. I told her that it was fine and that there was no problem. (Actually, I was really relieved, but I felt that it was the right thing to do.....the right way to extend an olive branch......I guess it was just something I needed to do to make ME feel better.) So we sat out on the patio some more and then Christopher called and said that the whole wedding party was at the Shiloh in the lobby and would we like to come over. So we did. Right at the same time Mr. X called my mother and she was all kiss-kiss to him on the phone how she's missed him and she loves him. She was all over him when we got there....taking pictures of him etc etc etc. When we left she would barely say good-bye to me...*I* hugged HER...she hugged me back, that's it. I asked her if she'd like to go to Mass tomorrrow just because the only time in my life that I've been to Mass with her except when I was baptized. I just thought it was neat. She didnt seem too interested, but Dolly (MOM) said that she heard my mother say "well, maybe I ought to go with her to Mass" But I doubt that it will happen.
It was totally my idea to pick her up at the airport. I asked Jim and his first reaction was NO! But we talked and he agreed that it was actually a good idea. It was a preemptive strike of sorts with us having the home court advantage. If she was ugly we'd take her straight to the hotel and not say a word. But she was very cordial. I asked her if she would stay with us but she is sharing a room with Mr. X and Emily. (Thank you, God, for her answer). I felt it was the RIGHT thing to do to ask her to stay with us. And if she didn't want to, fine....but I did the right thing.
I am so tired and confused right now. I don't know what all I'm thinking or feeling. Hurt that she never once said "I love you" or "I missed you" but that she was all over Mr. X with those words. She just saw him a few months ago....she hasn't seen me in 5 years.
I want these feelings resolved. I was to be free of her. I want to be able to think of her and not feel the deep down hurt. I guess I just want her to not exist in my reality.
I was all kiss-kiss to Mr. X too and told him again that I was really sorry that I hurt him. I really am....that was not my intention. I never meant to fall in love with Jim, but that's what happened and I am so much happier than I have ever been in my life. Of course, it's not just Jim, it's therapy, it's Terri, it's the right combination of meds....finally!!!!!!
I have issuses about me being nice because of the Klonopin, because if it's just because of that then it means that it's just making the 'real Dawn.' I keep trying to remind myself that the medication is taking everything down some notches so that I am ABLE to work on issues and end up not needing the meds. But there's always that little voice telling me "see how fucked up you are.......you will never be right unless you are drugged up"
I took 2 Klonopin last night. One this afternoon. And 1/2 of one before we went to the airport. And then, of course, I just took my nightly dose of 2 before bed. I know it helps and I thank God that it was prescribed to me, but there's this huge feeling of failure that I can't do it on my own.
I just want to be normal. I just want to NOT fly off the handle at stupid little things. I just want to not feel like I'm not worth Jim's love. Right there.....I think I hit the nail on the head with my mother. The whole kissy thing with Mr. X was almost like her way of saying that HE is worth her love and I'm not. Or, maybe my neurotic self it taking it that way. Who the hell knows. I can have someone say hello to me and take that as I'm not worth it, so I never know when I am justified in feeling that way or it's just my stupid neurosis making me miserable.
I guess I'll go to bed.

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