Memorial Day.... sigh

so it's Memorial Day. Wat's the difference? Ever since I found out that
Andy was killed I think about him all the time. I think about what happened. What he felt. What his buddies saw. How they felt. And most of all, I think about the sweetest girl in the world....Katy. My heart cries for her every day for her loss. He was the love of her live and the father of their children. I have met very few couples who are as sycophantic as they were. She's much too young to be a widow and those children will barely remember their daddy. I know she will keep that memory alive for them all their lives. I've tried to find Katy to call her, but I haven't been able to. sigh.

We had a huge lunch today. I felt like a fraud. How can we be celebrating our family 1) when Jeff is 'over there, and 2) how can we even think about celebrating when there is a family in Indiana that's missed someone who is mose beloved to them. Father, son, brother, husband....he was all of these things.......but no longer. Just thinking about them breaks my heart more than I can even say..............and it's not helping the stress levels here in a house where Terri tells us our marriage is in bad shape.
That's SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO what I needed to hear today. I thought I/we were doing so much better. It's getting to the point that no matter how much I try it's not good enough. Why bother trying anymore????? What's the point????? If I can't make any headway, then why bother trying to climb the mountain aymore???? Jim is all I've ever wanted, but I guess I am too selfish to even unstand what I am doing wrong. I guess in so many ways I am my mother all over again and that in inseft is a GREAT reason to to just say the hell with everything and anyone one. I try and I try and I try. I want to be 'normal' soooo badly. I don't know how and I feel like i never will.
Why keep beating a dead horse. If it ain't gonna happen then what's the point of putting all the people thru all the shit. Terri cold find some less nuts clients and not waste her time. And Jim cold find someone who will truly treat hm the way he deserves. Obviously, I am not smart enough or sane enough to 'get it' and I could tell that
Terri was totally pissed off tonight.....as well she should be. I'm not that dumb. But I just don't think that I will ever get being normal. It's just not in the cards for me. It just makes me wonder why I'm even hear.....other than to waste oxygen.