Day before the wedding....

I've been wanting to post for ages, but it's 'just too hard.' Almost like it's just too depressing. I've been trying to get thru each day as it comes and some are harder than others. Luckily, I found out that the Klonipin that the dr prescribed REALLY works on my anxiety and mood swing issues. (That was the dentist story that I'm sure I'll write about some other time.)
My mother flew in to Killeen today and Jim and I picked her up. She was really nice and actually hugged me. She came over and had a drink....ok....half the bottle of Peach Schnapps....and we sat out on the porch and talked. It was all very nice and cordial. We asked her to stay with us instead of the hotel......I told her that i would REALLY like her to stay, but she said that she already had a room with David and Emily and that they had her credit card number. I told her that it was fine and that there was no problem. (Actually, I was really relieved, but I felt that it was the right thing to do.....the right way to extend an olive branch......I guess it was just something I needed to do to make ME feel better.) So we sat out on the patio some more and then Christopher called and said that the whole wedding party was at the Shiloh in the lobby and would we like to come over. So we did. Right at the same time Mr. X called my mother and she was all kiss-kiss to him on the phone how she's missed him and she loves him. She was all over him when we got there....taking pictures of him etc etc etc. When we left she would barely say good-bye to me...*I* hugged HER...she hugged me back, that's it. I asked her if she'd like to go to Mass tomorrrow just because the only time in my life that I've been to Mass with her except when I was baptized. I just thought it was neat. She didnt seem too interested, but Dolly (MOM) said that she heard my mother say "well, maybe I ought to go with her to Mass" But I doubt that it will happen.
It was totally my idea to pick her up at the airport. I asked Jim and his first reaction was NO! But we talked and he agreed that it was actually a good idea. It was a preemptive strike of sorts with us having the home court advantage. If she was ugly we'd take her straight to the hotel and not say a word. But she was very cordial. I asked her if she would stay with us but she is sharing a room with Mr. X and Emily. (Thank you, God, for her answer). I felt it was the RIGHT thing to do to ask her to stay with us. And if she didn't want to, fine....but I did the right thing.
I am so tired and confused right now. I don't know what all I'm thinking or feeling. Hurt that she never once said "I love you" or "I missed you" but that she was all over Mr. X with those words. She just saw him a few months ago....she hasn't seen me in 5 years.
I want these feelings resolved. I was to be free of her. I want to be able to think of her and not feel the deep down hurt. I guess I just want her to not exist in my reality.
I was all kiss-kiss to Mr. X too and told him again that I was really sorry that I hurt him. I really am....that was not my intention. I never meant to fall in love with Jim, but that's what happened and I am so much happier than I have ever been in my life. Of course, it's not just Jim, it's therapy, it's Terri, it's the right combination of meds....finally!!!!!!
I have issuses about me being nice because of the Klonopin, because if it's just because of that then it means that it's just making the 'real Dawn.' I keep trying to remind myself that the medication is taking everything down some notches so that I am ABLE to work on issues and end up not needing the meds. But there's always that little voice telling me "see how fucked up you are.......you will never be right unless you are drugged up"
I took 2 Klonopin last night. One this afternoon. And 1/2 of one before we went to the airport. And then, of course, I just took my nightly dose of 2 before bed. I know it helps and I thank God that it was prescribed to me, but there's this huge feeling of failure that I can't do it on my own.
I just want to be normal. I just want to NOT fly off the handle at stupid little things. I just want to not feel like I'm not worth Jim's love. Right there.....I think I hit the nail on the head with my mother. The whole kissy thing with Mr. X was almost like her way of saying that HE is worth her love and I'm not. Or, maybe my neurotic self it taking it that way. Who the hell knows. I can have someone say hello to me and take that as I'm not worth it, so I never know when I am justified in feeling that way or it's just my stupid neurosis making me miserable.
I guess I'll go to bed.