My Learning Lucy Bag

Ok, so my bag is FINALLY done! I didn't work on it straight through, but used it as my "I'm bored waiting for DH to look at EVERY SINGLE TOOL at Home Depot" project. So I really don't know how long it would take to just make it.
One person on Ravelry listed it as BOR-ING. She is right. However, I prefer to have at least one 'boring' project going at all times so I can work on it in WalMart while waiting for my prescriptions etc etc etc. All those times when I could be knitting, but really don't want to work on something that requires thought.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE the bag,but there is one thing about it that I feared I would dislike.........and I do. I think the way the handles make the closure is SOOOO freaking cool.....BUT that also means that you have to take the purse off of your shoulder and take it all apart to get ANYTHING. And that's a PI(MY)A. I don't like it. I don't like it at all. But I love the bag. I love the looks. I love everything except the inconvenience of getting in and out of it. Will this 'make or break' our relationsship???? Tune in for the next season of "I Love Lucy Bag" to find out!!! (Hell, **I** don't even know the conclusion yet!!!!!) LOL!!!

After I made it I got a PM from another Ravelry member asking some questions about it. She asked some great questions, so I figured it might help someone else researching the Lucy Bag if I post the answer on here.

your olive Lucy bag
Sent at 9:35 PM December 18, 2008

Hi! :)
I just saw your olive Lucy Bag, doing a search on the projects for the pattern.
My sister saw one done in olive in a fancy LYS that she just Loved! It was done in Cascade 220 and had a nice finish to it. I was wondering how you liked the Patons for it? Would you use it again? I like the olive color. :)
I’m making one out of Eco+, and hoping it turns out well. I know the Cascade is great felting, but I have alot of Patons and thought maybe I’d make one with the denim marl for myself.
Did it really only take 1.5 skeins??

Thanks for reading, and hope you have a nice Christmas with your near and dear!

Patons vs Cascade 220
I have felted with both and have found no differences whatsoever. Both felted quickly and nicely with no problems. I have also felted with KnitPicks Wool Of The Andes and love that one as well. As far as I'm concerned they are equal enough that I let the $$$ be the deciding factor in choosing. Usually KP WOTA wins out because it is cheaper than Cascade and Patons. This time, however, Michaels was having 50% off on their Patons and I scooped up as much as I possibly could afford.........OK....I bought MORE than I could afford, but, hey... 50% off 100 wool felting yarn. I couldn't pass it up for ANYTHING!!!!
I bought the Olive Green, the New Denim, and later on I found some Lion Wool on clearance at WalMart for $3.50 a skein. I REALLY wanted to do the Lucy bag in Denim Marl, but, alas, they didn't have any....not even any at regular price.
So bottom line is, I would definitely use the Paton's again.........and I wouldn't hesitate to use the Lion Brand or the Knit Picks WOTA for this project. It's a lot of monotonous knitting.....and I would hate to waste all that knitting time on a yarn that screwed it up in the end...but I have full confidence in these yarns.

I used 1 skein which lasted me up until Row 74. I changed skeins there and made the large bag with the really long strap (I even had to stretch it a little after felting though). I just weighed the remainder of the yarn and have 1.3oz left over for a total of 5.7oz for the whole bag. Hmmm, I wonder if that's how much the bag itself weighs. It seems heavier than that, but I would think that it weighs less due to the fuzzy coming off in the washer (and, I'm sure, into my impeller...oh well) Plus what ended up on the kitchen floor when I shaved that sucker! It looked like I was shearing a Army sheep! LOL!!!

Notes about felting. I felted it with baby shampoo in a small load, hot water with my husband's size 44 black jeans. (My favorite jeans for felting) It took a while but it felted up great except for the handle. Next time I will mess with the handle at each 10min check. (I always set the timer for 10 minutes...turn the washer on...and then check it...the put the washer back to the start of the cycle and set the timer for 10 minutes again). The lower parts of the long handle curled in while felting so they are narrower and have a ridge on the edges. The top of the handle is wider and flat. Actually I REALLY like it that way because it makes for a better and more comfortable strap on the shoulder. BUT, being the control freak that I am, I only want it to be that way if ***I*** did it on purpose! LOL!!!
Just a heads up....keep an eye on your strap while felting.
After it came out of the wash I rolled in in a large towel and stood on it to get as much water as possible out of it. Then I put a small (22" diameter) soccer ball in it and took it outside to dry. It was a warm windy...REALLY windy...day, so it was perfect. I used my steamer insert to hang it from so that the strap had a nice curved form to hang from.
BE SURE to tuck those sides in!! IMO, Lucy Bags look really dumb with those sides sticking out. BLECH!!!!

I am getting ready to start another felted bag as this whole opening thing is not getting it for me. I want something I can get in and out of easily....but that has a closure. Last night I search high and low for 'the perfect bag' on Ravelry and I have yet to find THE ONE. Lucy is really close, but I think I'm going to use it more as a project bag for larger projects than for a purse. I'm leaning towards modifying a Booga Bag or making a Messenger Bag.
I'm still not sure yet.

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YUMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If only my daughter, Emily, was with me on this trip to Austin!!!!! She and I **LOVE** fruit...especially oranges and grapefruit. I showed her to picture and told her that we could have hijacked the truck. She said no...she would have just leaned out the window and grabbed a few bags of each and off we went! LOL
ALL IN JEST!!!!!!

The Surrender has been agreed upon......

After several days of fighting with MIL's afghan, I have decided to acquiesce to its terms and surrender unconditionally.

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Finally cast on my First Lucy Bag!!!!!

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Originally uploaded by KnittingFits

I cast on this morning and am almost done with the bottom.

Casting on a Chemo Hat for Mom

 

I can't get to sleep (AS USUAL!) so I figured I'd cast on a chemo hat for Mom. I'm planning on making several of these over the next couple of weeks until I'm able to work on her afghan again. Knitting on the smaller, lighter objects doesn't bother me, but my starts to hurt after just a few stitches on the afghan.

One week post op!!!

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Originally uploaded by FirstCavWife

The dressing was driving me nuts so Jim helped me take it off and let my arm air. I was very careful to not move it and keep from stressing the area too much. I am so thrilled with it. The incision is much smaller than I thought it would be............but I don't really care anyway........he could have done it the whole length of my arm and it wouldn't have mattered...........all that matters is that I got to have the surgery and from what he found...and fixed...I should have very good results.

"Knit on...through all crises..."

I'mjust tickledpick that I can still knit after the surgery. I tried working on Mom's afghan, but it's just to heavy for me to deal with. I can only knit about a dozen stitches and my arm gets really tired. I swatched an arm/wrist covering and that's what I'm workingon now.
Typing is 10 times harder on my hand then knitting!!!!!!

 

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Lots more knitting!

I got 30 rows done on the baby afghan today. My hands....and especially my right arm....feels more like I knit about 200 rows!

I also fixed the dog door so that it wouldn't keep getting pushed out from the wall. I figured I might as well do that while I had it apart to put batteries in it now that the cats have figured out that we don't use the autolock on it any more!!!! Phoebe was crying at the back door this morning trying to get in. She kept going to the back door.....then to the dog door, but she wouldn't use it to come in. Dumb cat!

Then I washed the back door windows....the fake french door, the back door and the storm door. Of course, with Richard working in the back yard and coming in all sweaty the storm door window is right back where I started!

I am in a super grumpy mood. Last week Jim and I got into an argument that started about Richard. Terri had said over and over that Jim and I 'need to be on the same page' with rules etc.
So the very next day I find out at 10pm that he's going to his girlfriend's house the next day to spend the afternoon. That's been on the table for 2 weeks now, but he was told that until parent calls parent that it wasn't going to happen. All of a sudden that rule just flew out the window. And Jim, even though he kept telling me during the argument that I *WAS* part of 'the team, told him that he could go.......and don't worry if we don't talk to mom.
So we are discussing that and then he starting throwing shots left and right. What about all the stuff I do behind HIS back. UM.....like what????????????? I *NEVER* do anything behind his back. Oh....let's see....according to Jim I ordered the glasses the the doctor prescribed for Richard and me..........cheapest possible......both pairs for $50 including shipping......and he knew I was going to do that. And don't forget how I made the decision about the Stimulus Check behind his back..........even though Tory was there while the 3 of us discussed it!!!!! Then there was the shot how I NEVER cook and I've NEVER said I'm sorry for the time I was hospitalized because I wanted to kill myself. Um....that was only said over and over and over and over to the point that he told me not to worry about it anymore!!!!!
And the BIGGEST thing about all of this was that 6 months ago this would have been an all out brawl. But I never took the bait and got ugly or starting yelling at him. And it seemed that the more I *WOULDN'T get ugly the meaner he got. To the point where I told him that it seemed like he was doing everything possible to get me to loose my temper and go off on him.

THEN I find out he called Terry and told her that I was sooooooo out of control and ugly and blah, blah, blah. OMG!!!! He's screaming and cursing at me.........and I never said an ugly thing back. Oh, I said things like "if that was a gut shot that was meant to hurt, it worked..........it hurt bigtime" but that was it. I wouldn't get ugly back.
But that's not what Terri's told.
The more I think about this the madder I"m getting about the whole thing.
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!

I think I'm going to take a hot bath and then head off to bed.......before I *DO* get ugly!!!!!!!

Lots of Knitting and Guilt Trips

So Emily calls me today asking for money. I am planning on sending out a box in the next day or so and putting what little cash ($10) I had in it for her. We are sticking VERY tightly to the budget and what extra we DID have we used on the Bug.

So she says she needs money and I was planning on talking to Jim about it. Then she told me she needed $1000 to pay for the classes that she dropped last fall because they were too hard etc etc. She wants to go to U of Toledo now and BGSU won't release her transcripts unless she pays first. I knew $1K was out of the question, but I was going to talk to Jim about seeing if we could spare a couple of hundred next payday. At least that was what I was thinking until she said "It's not fair for Dad to have to pay for all my college." UM, hello! She moved out of this house........then she moved out of her father's house because she didn't like this that or the other thing. She doesn't want to have to live in any house with any rules imposed upon her........she wants to live as an adult on her own. But she still thinks she's entitled to a free ride. NOT.
It went downhill from there....especially when she said that it wasn't my money anyway....it was David's and I was taking it from him and it was just extra money for us. blah blah blah.

Finally I told her I was not going listen to this any more and that I needed to go.
End of phone call.

On the knitting side of the house, I've been busting my butt on the Lot's Of Love Afghan. Then I laid it out and really looked at it.....and then looked at the pattern. OMG! I had cast on for the full sized afghan that was to be 67" long!!! There is NO WAY that I could finish THAT in the next 10 days.
So I cast on a modified version of that afghan and it's going to be about the size of a receiving blanket instead of a whole full blanket!!!
I cast on at 5:00pm and worked until 8:30pm and got 19 rows done on it. I am guessing that it's going to take about 200 rows to make it long enough. At 1:15 per 10 rows, that comes out to about 25 hours of knitting. So, if I spend the next couple of days just working all day on it, I should be good. I have 10 days to get it done.

Here's a pic of the huge one, a 3' yard stick, Phoebe, and the smaller one that I started today.

Hibernation: Mystery Shawl in....Baby Blanket out!

So I swatch the darned Mystery Shawl like eleventeen times to find just the right size needs and then on the 4th of July I cast one and got the first unpatterned section done. I was going to do Chart A last night, but I just didn't feel like knitting at all. I've done Clue 1, Chart A enough times now that I know I can easily whip it out in one evening....with plenty of time to spare. But I just didn't feel like knitting....I was tired all day and then Jim and I took a nap at 3:00pm and slept until 7:00pm....which screwed my night all up!

I got up this morning and have busted my butt all day. I moved some railroad ties....by myself because my 16 year old son said they were too heavy for him to move......and we both know that he's a lot stronger than I am!!! So he couldn't say a word after that and moved and stacked the rest of them. Then I cleaned out a dresser in the garage and then fixed all the drawers because they kept falling off the tracks. I wound up all the cords that Richard sorted yesterday and put them in big ziploc bags....then carried them out to the garage and put them in said dresser. Scrubbed the front porch floor, walls, doors, and walkway on my hands and knees.
Went looking for the tire that fell off the VW Bug while it was getting towed here...to no avail.
So I am beat to hell right now. Every part of me hurts like no tomorrow. So I just got out of the shower and I'm going to take some Motrin and start knitting.

Oh yeah....back to the knitting. So early this morning Jim sent me an email from Chris at work saying that we were invited to a co-ed shower for a gal who works with them. I called to RSVP and find out what to bring. YEAH!!!! They already know it's a boy, so all I have to do is finish the Grandma's Lots of Love blanket and I won't even have to buy anything. I told Jim and Rich that between now and the 20th that all I would be doing is knitting so that I could get this thing done.
So it's OUT of Hibernation and the Mystery Shawl is going to have to wait until after this baby blanket is done. I'm so glad it's a boy!!! LOL!!!

1970 VW Bug for a STEAL!!!!!!!!!!!!

So we're trying to do the budget thing and get ahead in the money department, but today we came across a deal that was too good to pass up!!!!!!!!!!

So now I have a VW Bug!!! WOOOHOOOOO! Richard and Tory both think it's a piece of junk, but they just don't understand the mystique and aura of a Bug. It's an icon. It's the definition of "classic."
It's a BUG!!!!!
My first car was a 1971 Super Beetle. This one is a standard '70.
The floor pans are gone.....that's to be expected. The tires are not even rubber anymore. But the body is good and it has an engine and tranny in it. The doors are in great shape.....no sagging and no rust. They got it as a project car and never got around to it. And it has a SUN ROOF!!!!!!! I've never had a Bug with one of those so that's AWESOME!!!!!!
There are a bunch of extra parts in it.....and it's getting towed over here tomorrow.
Clean title......VIN matches.
I can't wait until it's on the road! It's going to be quite awhile, but this one's gonna be a keeper!!!!!

So....patterns make a difference!!!!

 

OK, I've been making the PI Shawl with Knit Picks Harmony needles US 5. I think the gauge is just perfect. So tonight I spent the whole evening swatching out Chart A of Clue 1 on the Goddess Knits Anniversary Mystery Shawl. The Knit Picks Shimmer yarns is the TINIEST bit thicker than the Alpaca Cloud......barely even discernable. So, I figured that, of course, same yarn thickness, same needles. NOT!!!!!!!!! Lesson learned!!! I could see NO pattern whatsoever in the swatch and I saw other shawls using Chart A and it has a very pretty swirl to it. I think I am going to swatch again using US3s.

I feel like I just wasted a whole evening......and my hands hurt like hell from using the short Balene circs. BUT, I guess it's not a wasted evening if I learned something!!!!!

I hate PI Shawls..........but I love my jeans!

I was just heading off to bed and realized that I really did need to post today.
First, I tried on my size 5/6 jeans and I was able to actually get them on, button them, AND zip them. (Notice I didn't say anything about BREATHING). But, a few weeks ago I couldn't get the snaps together, so I'm thrilled!!!!!!

Jim and Richard put in the second exhaust fan in our bathroom and it seems to work great. Jim is really happy with it.........but the real test will be in about 10 minutes when he takes his shower. Hopefully this will help with the mold and humidity in that bathroom.

We bought Mom a cell phone today. She lost hers a week or so ago and with the new budget in place, we were able to do..........and thrilled to be able to do something like that for her. She's wonderful and I wish we could do more.

I saw and made up sheets for each one of our creditors today. As the bills come in I want to try and log it and then put it in the file to be paid on the certain day.

I finally figured out how to cast on for the border on my PI Shawl. GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!
It is THE MOST HORRIBLE LACE EVER!!!! I got about 30 rows done and had to rip them all out. I don't think I'm going to be speaking to my PI Shawl any time soon!!!!!

The Shawl Body is DONE!!!!

At 9:10pm on June 19, 2008 I ****FINALLY**** finished the body of my very first lace project....my PI Shawl! YEAH!!!! Now I'm going to have to figure out how to start the edging. I'm going to start reading up on it tonight and probably start the edging in a day or so....or ten. LOL! I'm sooo happy the body is done. I

YEAH!!!!! The LAST round of patterned stitches DONE!!!!

I can't believe I'm getting close to being done with this shawl! I just finished the last stitch of the last round with patterned work. Now I have 4 rounds of plain knit stitch and then I start the edging. That would be 596 ROWS of edging.

Tiny setback

It all went well with no snags (pun intended) except after I was all the way done and starting to knit with the working yarn again I found that I was 1 stitch short on a repeat. I one's y had tu pull out two rows of the one repeat and found the forgotten/missed yarn over.

YEAH!! Last row!!!!

DUUUUUH!!!!

OK, I'm so stupid that I had to pin this all in place so I could run and look up SSK! I couldn't remember if I was supposed to slip as if to knit or purl! UG!!!!That just shows how long I've been working on "mindless" projects!

oh yeah! more fun than I can stand!

Repairs!

I'm fixing the 8 rows that dropped on my PI Shawl. It ****SHOULD**** be a quick and easy fix.

Kristin flies, Tory's childish, and Jim's Father's Day Present

Today started off terribly. Jim finally got home from work at 0330HRS and then we had to be up at 0800HRS to see our sweet DIL and granddaughter off to Japan. Starting about the time Jim got into bed I started having nightmares.
We weren't going to the airport to see her off.........but rather my 3 kids were still young and we were trying to get to Kristin's funeral because she had died suddenly. We kept getting delayed and lost and things kept happening to my kids along the way. We couldn't find the town and we were in a strange place. I think it's a jumble of memories of ME going to Korea with the 3 small kids and sleeping in USO lounges across the world (literally) as we made the trip. Plus, I'm so sad about Kristen and Jayden leaving. I am going to miss them so much. She is the best thing that ever happened to my son.....he's a lucky man.
Adding to the Nightmare Jumble is the anniversary of Brenda's death is right around the corner. 10 days from today. It's on my mind a lot. And 'losing' Christopher/Cecelia ....figuratively, anyway. But the nightmare was awful and VERY real. I kept waking up thinking that it had really just happened. It was very upsetting and very distressing. I was upset about it for quite awhile today.
We ran errands after the airport and Tory called while we were out. Then we went home and both of us were exhausted beyond words. She has REPEATEDLY been asked to call before coming over and told that it's not always convenient for her to just pop over. Last time I mentioned that to her she told me "Awwwwwwwww, poor babies." GRRR!!!! She has gotten sooooo pissy with us when we've gone over to her house (prearranged) and she has decided to take a nap. She just ignores the doorbell and the phone and then when she finally answers the phone she's really ugly because we woke her up. Well, she called and said that she saw some missed calls on her phone. I told her that we were sleeping. OK. So she calls back a little bit later and says that she's here trying to get in because she needs her cooler (that she's been asked for MONTHS to take over to her house but she refused because she didn't know where to put it) and that the door was locked. I told her we were sleeping and I would talk to her later. She got pissed and said "Whatever" and hung up on me. Then she called back wanting me to get up and open the door. I told her no....we were sleeping and I would talk to her later. So she called right back but I hit ignore and shut the phone off. She left a pissy message telling me that she really appreciates me not getting her cooler because they really needed it because they were leaving for the weekend in Arlington.
She's just going to having to put on her big girl panties and deal with it. There are times that we are doing OUR thing.......or even sleeping and we are NOT going to run a bus station that's open all hours of the day and night for her convenience. She stays out late....sleeps in, and then comes over here for this or that when we are just getting ready for bed. That's really not working for us and it's going to stop now.
Change subject.
I finished Jim's keychain thing a la Lifehacker. and it turned out great!!!!! It was a total pain in the butt and I never want to make another one, but he loves it and that makes it worthwhile.

Banks and Knitting Groups....

This morning Kristin and I went to Fort Hood National Bank to put her on the account. I called customer service beforehand and asked if I could put her on the account without Jeffrey there. Sure you can....just go into any branch. Yeah right.
That didn't work out so well. I was pissed because customer service was giving out wrong information........which would have saved us a trip. Then Jeff was on the phone and he was pissed because we couldn't do it. So then we were going to just have Kristin hand-carry the sig card to Japan and mail it back, but then they looked up and found out that she had a charge-off at First National for $200ish and they wouldn't add her until that was paid. So she was pissed. So she ended up taking all the money out of the bank and putting it in her account....which Jeffrey is already on.

Then Jim came home early today and we took a nap and had a nice afternoon. We went to Weight Watchers where we both lost just over a pound this week. YEAH!!

Then he went home and I went to Starbucks to meet the ladies that get together on Thursday nights to knit and gossip. I had a WONDERFUL time with them.....I just wish I could remember names!
My PI Shawl had 24 stitch come off the needles and I sat and messed with that. I got it all sorted out and now it's ready for me to repair those dropped stitches. That's the biggest reason I've not touched it in a while.....I knew I'd have to sit and mess with that. But half of the icky part is done........and now I just have to knit those rows up and then finish the darned thing. I only have about 10 more rows (which is like 6000 stitches!!!) left on the body of the shawl, but then I have to do 596 rows of 17 stitches to finish the edging. UG! UG! UG!

Jim just left for work and I'm going to try and knit up those rows before I fall asleep. He has to catch a flight tonight and will be home around 0300HRS.

Cable Heaven and Grandbaby Blackmail

This post is actually yesterday's..........I was too dead at the end of the day to even think straight.
First, I tackled Cable Hell at Jim's computer desk and turned it into Cable Heaven. I wish I would have taken a picture of it before, because it was unbelievable!!! On the floor, next to his desk was this massive tangle of cords, cables and wires.....with an odd router, modem and VOIP box thrown in for fun. UNDER the desk was almost as bad. I took apart every single wire, mounted two power strips and have the router, modem, and VOIP converter all sitting nicely on the top shelf of his desk. Writing it out makes it sound like a 20 minute project........but this took most all day. I also took out the satellite converter box, installed the DVD player, fixed the filing cabinet drawer, had to mod the power strips to mount on the wall (the screw holes were too small for any screws that I had), and worked on Tory (Greg's) laptop to get it running after Richard download some icky malware that totally choked it!
In between all this were upmteen calls to Tory and Jim updating them on the latest goings on with Christopher.
Christopher asked for his poster back that he gave me as a gift. OK, so I had to find it.........and then I ordered another. 2 days ago I called him to let him know that I found it and that he could pick it up at Jim's work. That was not a fun call.....he bitched about "my attitude" which was me telling him that I would not be insulted by him or his wife any longer. That went on. At one point he said "Do you actually ever think before you open your mouth and say things?" Um.....yeah. I told him that I was not being disrespectful to him or his wife......but that he's practically called me a liar and that what he just said amounted to calling me stupid. He told me how I haven't changed one bit because he's talked to Richard and he knows that. Oh, bullshit! He also told me that because of my attitude he had all the more reason to not let me see Cecelia. I told him it wasn't an attitude.......it was just me telling him that I would no longer take shots from him. Taking shots from him will not fix the past......and it won't help him heal.......if that would help, I would roll over, belly up and gladly take every shot fired. But he even said it wouldn't help.
OK. End of 40 minute call.........and I kept my cool and never got upset.
Oh, I cried a little afterwards, but I am trying to remember that he's angry and this is a situation that I can't control, so I need to let it go.
So he stops at Jim's work yesterday and picks up the poster, drops off the pans and the computer module and that was that. An hour later Jim goes into the parking lot and there's Christopher with the hood up. His battery was dead.....dry as a bone. So Jim helps him out with tools etc. About this time Sarah pulls up and just takes over (like Jim is this clueless idiot who doesn't know what he's doing) and doesn't even say one word to Jim.....not even a Hello. So they got the battery out and got a new one and Sarah just dropped him off with the battery and left. It's a good thing Jim was there to take care of it or he would have been screwed. Christopher did go into Jim's office afterwards and thank him for the help. That was nice.
So later I get a call from Christopher saying that I needed to sign onto Hello and he would give me pics of Cecelia. Unfortunately, Hello no longer exhists, so he said he would email them....but that I was not to post them anywhere because Sarah doesn't know that he's sending them. I asked if Sarah has issued an edict that I was to not have pictures.....he said no....but he didn't want to bring it up to her because it was just easier that way. OK, who am I to argue....at least I will get some pics, right.
So later on, he calls again and says that he will make a deal with me. He will send me pictures throughout her lifetime (his exact words) when he starts seeing some money. OMG! He asked me what I thought of that and I told him that it was disgusting!!!!!!! He's such a hypocrite just like his father. The whole reason that's been given for us to not see Cecelia was because I was a terrible mother to him and I'm this horrible, evil person who hasn't changed a bit. OK....I will accept parts of that........but I am working everyday to become a better person. AND, we borrowed the money....paid back a good part of it when he PCSed here.....and told him we would pay the rest. We argued back and forth about it and he kept saying...No...you've paid enough, don't worry about it. Then he came to me (before he and Sarah were even married) saying how Sarah thinks he should get the money back but that he told her that he didn't care and that it was all worked out between us. And then later, after they were married he was telling me how Sarah said that we needed to pay that money back and then he didn't say anything more. Then he told me that we needed to pay the money back because they were having a hard time making ends meet (and later, in the same conversation he says that they are putting $1K [yes, that's ONE THOUSAND!!!] a month into a savings account.....and talked about their upcoming cruise in the Bahamas.
Throughout this, Jim and I had planned on giving him money when we could..........but he's hit the end of the road with me. And with Jim....Jim's ready to strangle him. And I'm just disgusted and sorry that he's so much like his father.
GRRRRRRR.
So, yesterday really exhausted me.....physically AND emotionally.
And I will not be buying any pictures of my grand daughter anytime soon!

Rich left for JROTC Leadership Camp this morning....

He's heading down to San Antonio for the week. He was pretty blasé about going........or at least he was acting like it. The graduation ceremony is next Saturday at 9:30am! UG!!! We are either going to have to spend the night there or we are going to have to leave here no later than 5:00am!
It's pretty scary seeing him in BDUs! Both my other sons are wearing them.........and now here's little Richie.........who is much taller than I am...........and looking all grown up. OMG....that boy has turn into such a fine young man. I can't believe he's a Junior in high school already!!! And he's damned near as tall as his dad! He's such a great kid..........sometimes I forget I didn't give birth to him! LOL! As far as ***I'M*** concerned he's MY young'en!
I'm just so damned proud of that kid I can hardly stand it! He's done so well in school this year..........and he's really matured in a lot of ways. He's a sweet kid with a good heart!

Clogs are DONE!!!!!

Here is a phone pic of binding off the second sole on the second clog.

Here's a pic of the finished item!!! WOOOHOOO!!!! It feels SOOOOO good to actually finish something!!!!!! (And have it actually turn out the way you want!)

Binding off the upper part of the clog

Binding off the upper part of the clog

And life goes rolling along......

So the AC is broke. We are waiting to find out if we qualify for refinancing of our mortgage and then the electricity gets cut off on Tuesday. Jim didn't realize that the cut-off date was before payday and he was going to pay it on payday. Oppps. And that's all it was.....an opps. So we had no power for about 24 hours (he paid it before the guy was even done shutting it off....but it took that long to get turned back on). Jim was really beating himself up about that. But it was an "oppps" and that's all. He forgot. Oh well.
It's back on, that's all fixed and now we are waiting to see about the refinancing. After the whole thing about him just going off and deciding this and that without even letting me know he was even THINKING about other options, I told him things will change. I will be put on the bank account in California, I will be put on the Visa, and I will take over the money/bills. Which is funny....that's one of the things that he wrote me in an email.....that he was angry because he didn't have time etc to take care of that stuff. So I will be taking that over........with him over my shoulder and involved at every step.
First, I'm bound and determined that we are NOT going to live paycheck to paycheck anymore. I found some great budgeting software and I am putting it to use. I also plan on closing our savings account at Bank Of America which has .2% APY (and fees up the wazu!) and opening an ING account which has no fees and 3% APY. There are some other online banks that had slightly higher rates, but ING is well known and the reviews are all stellar.
Of course, I've discussed this all with Jim! LOL!!
Well, Richard has a an appointment to get his teeth cleaned this afternoon and I need to start getting ready for that.

Silly Me!!!!!

And here I thought what we discussed and decided upon what what was going to happen. Silly, silly me. When will I ever learn?????? I got an email from Jim this morning stating that he would be coming home around 1300HRS to spend time trying to find financing for the AC unit. Ummmmmmmmmmmm, huh?????????
So I asked him what this was about and he said that he decided to go with the 4 ton. Oh.
Gee.
So I told him that I thought we talked about it the night before and it was decided that we would play along with how the cards were dealt. He said that *I* decided that (which is bullshit!) I suggested it and he said "That sounds like a plan to me." That's verbatim. So when the soldier emailed me I told Jim that they guy had found another bike. At no time did he say that he still wanted to pursue the 4 ton. I knew he did, but we just don't have the money. He called our mortgage company and they are basically going to refinance the house and pay off some bills in the process. Ok....that sounds like a good deal....especially when he told me that they were just going to add it to the end of our loan. Now we find out that they are totally refinancing it and we are definitely going to lose our 6% mortgage rate.
I didn't get upset (at first) about all this. I told him that I understood why he wanted the 4 ton (the 3 ton is just too overloaded for this size house and we will probably be in this same predicament in a few years down the line) But, I was hurt that we had a discussion and made a joint decision and then he just decided to throw all that out the window and ride off on his own. He then said "Well, I decided I wanted to do it this way because I didn't want to end up in the same boat" And AGAIN, I told him that I agree with him on the decision but that it really husts my feelings that I am not included in ANY of the decision making. All that discussion last night was just wasted air. All he would have had to say to me when I told him that the guy wasn't buying the bike was "well, I would still like to roll some things around in my mind" or something like that. Instead, I am under the impression that the decision is made and that's that. Then I a informed otherwise....after the fact. That's my problem. And I still didn't get upset, I kept telling him that he made the right decision but that I wish he would have included me in it. But he kept justifying on why HE should be the one doing this and how "it wasn't like that in my house when I was growing up." OK, so that one pissed me off and I pulled out my ID card and asked him if he saw his mother's name on it. Oh.....it's not there?????? Then I guess we should be talking about OUR marriage.
I am very hurt and angry about this. He keeps saying that why doesn't everything I decide have to be wrong. And I keep telling him that I support his decision....just not the way he made it. But he's not hearing that.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cooler...

So we have an AC unit in the dining room and one in our bedroom. I've closed off my computer room and the front guest room. Richard is choosing to hole up in his sauna/bedroom.....poor kid. I've told him that he can bring all his stuff out here in the cool, but he'd rather have his privacy. I wish we could afford another ac unit for his room, but that would really kick up the electric bill too. (OMG!!! He just came waking thru here with his BDUs on for his JROTC Leadership Camp and the boy looks all grown up. OMG!! Here's a pic!

He's grown so much over this last year. He's turned into such a handsome young man....I'm so proud of him and all the things he's accomplished!!! He's really a GREAT kid!)

OK, so now we are in a holding position about the AC. This house is over 1600sq ft and should have an AC unit larger than a 3ton....which is what's out there. And we've already insulated the garage and added a duct to that, so that's another 450sqft. It *SHOULD* have a 4 ton, but we don't know if we can afford that. So, it's basically a coin toss. There was a posting on Craigslist that a soldier is looking to spend $5K on a cruiser with low mileage etc. My bike books out at over $3000 with an expected milege of 30K for its year.....but it only has 11K. Plus it has highway pegs, cruise control, a windshield, saddlebags, a Mustand leather seat, etc, so it's in the $5K range. If he emails me back and wants to give us $5K for it then we will get the 4 ton unit. If he doesn't then we will use the Stimulus Check to pay for another 3 ton. I guess we're just going to go with the flow of what happens and wait just use the window units until either funds come in.
I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO not ready to part with my bike and with gas prices it would be better if Jim was riding it to work instead of taking the Camaro....BUT, if I'm meant to part with it then that's what will happen.
We really want to get the larger unit because we believe it will be more effecient etc in the long run....but we 1) can't go into anymore debt to do that and 2)couldn't go into anymore debt even if we tried! So, we'll see what cards are dealt and then play our hands from there.

......and the next and the next....

So the AC guy comes out and the compressor is shot. $900. Or a new 3 ton unit for $1500. Or a 4 ton unit for $5500. Jim has always fussed that this AC was barely big enough for this house......that they should have put in a larger unit. So he wants to go with the 4 ton. I have to agree with this as the old AC ran all the time and could barely keep up.
But, we were turned down for financing so we don't know what's next.
Except that he went to Home Depot to get a window unit for the time being.
And the kitchen sink STILL hasn't been put back together because of all the AC stuff going on.
GRRRRR!
On a good note, Jeff called this morning and we had a WONDERFUL talk.

One thing after the next!!!!!

Things have been going really great here....emotionally-wise. I no longer feel like I'm so defective and so broken that I shouldn't even live. This past experience was a real turning point for me. I want to live. I want to be happy. and I want to spend the rest of my life with Jim. I love him more than anything in the world!!!!
Life is good.
Ok, so knitting-wise, the ribbing is done on my Plain Vanilla Sweater and a small part of the body....but I set it aside until the Addi Turbo that I ordered came in. It finally arrived yesterday, so that will be back on the needles.
In the meantime, I started Fibertrends Felt Clogs and have finished one of them and started another. Yesterday I finished the sole and am ready to start the top of it.
Ummmmmmmmm, speaking of yesterday........
So we had the guy with the Caterpillar Tractor come out and level the yard to put the pool in. Great. He worked for 2 hours but Jim paid him for four!!!!! GRRRRRR!!!!! But he's a single dad trying to make a living. That's all well and good, but we are working on getting ourselves straight here too. Plus, I gave him a whole garbage bag of Bailey's clothes for his daughter.....a good $150 worth of clothes. Oh well. It's done and I'm not going to fuss about it.
I had bought watermelon for the guys to eat while they were working outside. After Bruce (the Caterpiller guy) leaves, Jim starts putting the rinds down the garbage disposal and bust the pipe off the new sink. UG!!!! So off to Lowe's he goes.
While he's gone, I notice how warm it is in the house. Now, Jim and I play Thermostat Wars. He thinks he should be COLD to be comfortable and I think we should be financing another yacht for the executives at the electric company. It needs to be just cool enough to not be hot. Well, this time I was hot! But I check the thermostat and found that it was set to 76F which is where Jim usually puts it. OK, so I sit down to knit (with wool, no less) and it's getting warmer. So I check to see if the coils have iced over. Nope. It's the compressor outside! It's overheating and keeps kicking the circuit breaker off. UG. So we were hot as all get out last night UNTIL we went to bed....and I froze all night....especially when he got up. Brrrrr......no blanket and all those fans going!

YEAH! The ribbing is DONE!!!!

I finally finished the ribbing for the front and back of the sweater. It ended up coming out at exactly 20 rows of ribbing....now for the body! WOOHOOO!!!

Plain Vanilla Sweater Hell

My Plain Vanilla Sweater from KnitPicks is on my last nerve. I screwed up and couldn't stand it any more. So it got frogged. Here's my Ravelry entry:

Cast on 98 st on size 10 Clover Bamboo needles using the cable cast on. Knitting the ribbing with size 3 Clover Bamboo needles as per pattern (size 5 gave me gauge). STRIKE THAT! Cast on long tail 3 more times as Richard kept coming in needing help with his German homework and I'd lose count. FINALLY I have about an inch of ribbing done. I had so much left over on the long tail cast on that I knitted the tail in the whole way across the bottom. I have to remember to do that for the front to so that they will be the same.


I ended the ribbing and then did a knit row. This is what possibly caused a strange line on the stockinette side. I *HAD* planned on having the 'regular' stockinette side as the outside of the sweater, but I really hate this line. Also, the Reverse Stockinette isn't as ugly as I thought it would be. I've always hated RS/Garter stitch items. There are VERY few things that I like that is made using those stitches (BSJ is one of them)...but I think the yarn is what makes the difference on this.
The purled line above the ribbing drove me nuts, but I didn't want to waste all that work. But then I'm back on Weight Watchers (that happened the day after my son's wedding pictures came in!) so I am going to frog it and make it one size smaller.

Cast on 88 st onto size 10 bamboo needles. Transferred the st to the size 5 circs (I couldn't find the size 3 circs....the 10s were too tight to knit off of and I didn't feel like transferring twice...which is what I would have had to do if I would have transferred to the 3 needles) and knit onto the 3s for the ribbing.

Grrrr!!! After counting 3 times, how do I end up with 89 st on the needles????????? I am NOT going to rip it out and cast on again! I knit the last 2tog! GRRR!!

Ok...I guess I WILL rip it out and cast on again! I knit onto the size 5s instead of the 3s. I'm SOOO ready to just burn the whole darned thing!!!

5/14/2008 Ok...here we go again. I cast on EIGHTY-EIGHT stitches last night instead of burning it. I just counted them AGAIN as I put them onto the size FIVE circs. I have tripled checked that the needle that I am using to knit onto is a THREE. UG!

So I actually counted up to 88 CORRECTLY! Go figure!! AND, seeing as though I'm never happy unless I'm living dangerously and tempting fate, I have decided to make things much more complicated by having to count to 88 TWICE IN ONE NIGHT!!! OMG! I figure that if I can make it thru the cast-on that it must be too easy, so I'd better make things more fun by knitting the front and back at the same time. So, out came the KnitPicks Options Size 3 47" to really liven things up. The slippiest, sharpest needles around with this splitty, slidey yarn. That ought to make my life a little more interesting!! Yeah, right.

Back to knitting..........

I have done some really stupid things in the past few days. Things that hurt numerous people........and, luckily, I walked away unscathed. Hopefully, anyway.
Taking several bottles of pills can really screw you up............physically. Of course, that's not to mention how screwed up you are MENTALLY before you take them!!!!
I have to learn the following
IT'S NEVER OK TO HURT ANYONE....EVEN MYSELF
I need to get that tatooed on the back of my hand or something.

So now I'm out of the hospital....back home...feeling better (which is usually how the cycle of abuse to others and selves goes)..........but I want to feel better for GOOD and that's what I've got to work on
IT'S NEVER OK TO HURT ANYONE....EVEN MYSELF
So, I'm not sleeping, of course, as I'm not touching another sleeping pill for a long time.
So I'm knitting.
I started Jim's Tofootsie Socks at least a month ago, but they've fallen by the wayside when I found a mistake in them. Then, I even forgot what the mistake was!
So tonight, I pulled them out and after long examination found the mistake....1 stitch too many on one of the socks. So I frogged it (I was only about 6 rows into the sock past where the short row toe comes together, so it's no big deal) and now I am re-knitting this sock.
And...um....I guess that's why we should take notes when we are knitting.....right.
Um, how many stitches did I leave on the needle before I started closing up the toe.
And did I do the encroachment method, Aloha method, or wrap....no....I'm sure I didn't wrap them.
UG!
Stupid me for not taking notes.
And IT'S NEVER OK TO HURT ANYONE....EVEN MYSELF!

Sometimes life just sucks royally....................

I was having a pretty good day until 1) I couldn't find all the tools I needed to put up the shelves in the front hall closet and 2) T showed up.

T is our therapist and I love her with all my heart. My husband, his late wife and their kids saw her for years before I came on the scene. She is the first one to dx me CORRECTLY after all the drs I saw while my ex was in the military. I told them everything I told her and got all kinds of off the wall dxs. PTSD (due to an abusive childhood) and Borderline Personality Disorder (probably from being raised by a BPD mother.....nature or nurture.....it could be argued either way...........but who the hell really cares anyway)???

Well, T has become very close with our family.....more close than we really should have been. And because I got totally out of control last week she realized that the boundaries have become too blurred and we need to keep it more on a client/therapist level. Fair enough. And she takes full responsibility for allowing the "friendship" part of the relationship to take place..........but I still feel like I've lost my only friend. Brenda died last year and Jeffrey is leaving for Japan next week. I feel so alone and abandoned. I guess it kinda reminds me of when I was little. My mother was always leaving me home alone........from as early as I can remember.

OH WELL....such is life and I hate it. I hate that I hurt T enough for her to realize how close she was getting to us. (Although I totally realize why there are ethical boundaries etc etc etc with clients/patients and their therapists/doctors. I still feel so bad for hurting her.

I just feel like she's just another person in a long line of people that i have hurt because I don't know what's what when it comes to relationships. I don't understand how they work. Such is the nature of BPD and I'm working my damndest to fix that. In the meantime........life still sucks royally.

Multimedia message

Hurt and angry...........

Richard is trying his damnedest to get up to Iowa for the summer. He pulled some crap last summer that really betrayed the trust of his Aunt and Uncle and was told that he couldn't come back up there. Months later he called and apologized and his Uncle said that if he got good grades and straightened his act up then he might be able to come up there this summer.....but he also had to call Uncle S. and keep him up to date on what was going on and how things were going. He only called Uncle S. once.....at Xmas.
Well, last night he called Uncle S. and asked if he could come up there. I guess Uncle S. was really close to letting him come until Richard said "well......all I need is a place to crash". That did it for Uncle S. That told him that Richard was just coming up there to use them 'as a place to crash' while he was out and about doing whatever. That's all well and good, but Richard was telling Uncle S. that the whole reason he wanted to go up there was because he wanted to spend time with them, he missed them, blah, blah, blah. Then he shot himself in the foot. Uncle S. told him that he wasn't going to have him come up there for him to pull the same crap as last year and that he couldn't come. He also told him to NOT call his grandmother and ask her. She lives in subsidized housing as she is disabled and on a fixed income. So, as soon as he hangs up with Uncle S. he calls Grandma and damned near begs her to stay there..........he said he'll even sleep on the floor.
That's when I realized that something was up.
So I told Jim that I was going to call Uncle S. to see what all was going on. That's when he told me all that he had said to Richard. I told him that he HAD called his Grandmother and what all was said. Uncle S. called Grandma and then called Richard and, I guess, let him have it.
Richard, in the meantime is asking us to let him stay "with the people down the street from Aunt R. and Uncle S." AS IF!!!!!! He really thinks this is an option and was incredulous when we said NO WAY.
Ok.....that's what all went on, but then something weird, in my (crazy) mind happened.
Jim was working on a computer from work....trying to install the OS, drivers, etc and was having a helluva time. I was at his computer in the bedroom trying to find something on the computer and asked him to come in so I could show it to him. He leaned over to look at the monitor and I leaned over towards him to kiss him and he leaned away and I almost fell out of the chair trying to kiss him. At first I thought it was a joke. But then he started yelling at me how he said that Richard can't go to Iowa and that I went behind his back to call Uncle S. to smooth things over so that Richard could go up there even though Jim said he couldn't.
I was astounded. I told him that I would never go behind his back like that and that I didn't do that. He just snorted and walked away and said "Yeah, right, that's why he had to sit and listen to his son on the phone telling whoever that he really wanted to go up there because he hates it here so much etc etc etc." (Jim had set up a little workstation outside my computer room door which is right by Richard's bedroom door....Jim had to be where he could have a LAN cable reach the computer he was working on.)
I just sat there with my mouth hanging open because I truly couldn't believe that he thought I went behind his back like that!!!! So I called Uncle S. and told him that for some reason my husband thinks that I was calling him to smooth things over etc and would he explain what was really said. Uncle S. said that he was surprised because from everything we talked about we were totally on the same sheet of music that Richard was trying to pull an end run around everyone just to get up there and 'have a place to crash' so he could do this, that and the other.
I just took the phone to Jim and said "It's for you" and handed it to him. Then I said "I'm NOT Dottie" and walked away. Then I got all my stuff together and slept in the front room because I was hurt and angry (waaaaaaaaaaaay more hurt than angry) that Jim would think that I would betray him like that. I didn't say another word to him.
I did hear him on the phone with Uncle S. (with whom he is not very close) for over a half an hour and from Jim's tones and laughing here and there, it seemed to be a very pleasant conversation. I have no idea what was said on either end.....I had the door closed.
So, here I sit today not knowing whether to be mad or hurt. Hurt is REALLY winning. I can see why Jim would go there because of all the shit Dotti did to him....BUT, he has lied to me about money more times than I can count..........and betrayed my trust and lied about it concerning online porn, so it pisses me off. (HOWEVER, I believe that intention has lots of merit and I know that whenever he did lie it wasn't so much to be a weasel, but rather to not 'lose face' in my eyes. And as far as the "betrayal" with the porn......I'm past that.......he has a addiction with it and has worked on it......it has nothing to do with how he feels about me.)
Anyway, I just don't even know what to say to him.
Hell, I don't even know what to FEEL!!!!!
So what else is new. I with there was guide on which feeling is the CORRECT one for each situation!!! LOL!!!

Black or White..........

Things have been very up and down since my last post.......as is the case of most BPD. The thing that I hate the most is actually FORGETTING the good or the bad. I totally forget if I've been damn near suicidal by the next couple of days. Terri says that's all part of the Borderline way of thinking. Either something is all good or all bad....black or white....no gray areas......just total one way or the other. And when things are going well for me I totally blank out the near hysterical day I had just two days ago..........I don't even remember that it happened until someone reminds me. I feel so stupid and crazy. I mean what kind of moron can't remember having a total fit over ______ and yelling and screaming. No wonder my kids thought I was nuts.......I was....and I am.

The funny thing is all those sorts of things are the things that I would tell the numerous therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, etc etc etc over the years trying to find out why I was so.......crazy......moody.......pissy..........forgetful........etc.
Add the PTSD to the mix and you have a total NUTJOB!!!

BPD, PTSD, ADHD...............they're what I am.

Borderline Personality Disorder.
Personality Disorder.
Disordered Personality.
Stress Disorder.
Post-Traumatic.
Borderline Traumatic.
Borderline Attention Deficit.
Post Traumatic Attention Deficit Disorder.
Personality Deficit Disorder.

Ahhhhhh.......maybe that's the right one.
It feels right......

How about:
Traumatic Personality Deficit Disorder???
That one is even better!!!!

Labels. Letters. Diagnoses. Therapies. Coping Skills.
All for WHAT!!! ALL FOR NAUGHT!!!

There comes a point when you realize that those labels ARE who you are. They define everything about you.
They define how I think.
They define how I react.
They define how I see the world.
They define how I treat others.
They ARE me.......and I am them.
I am a Traumatized, Disordered, person Deficit of Personality. My OWN personality.
How can I not be THEM???
How can there even be a ME in there......everything that they are defines everything that I am.
There is no me.

I am a greying, sagging shell that holds disorders and deficits galore. What's to love? I can't see a thing. There is no me..........just a body of alphabet soup.
I don't want to try anymore.
I don't want to talk anymore.
I don't want to love anymore.
I don't want to BE loved anymore.
Because I am just bunch of letters that spells out E-M-P-T-Y.

Nothing I do can change these things. They are who and what I am.
I guess I fool myself into thinking I'm finally happy. How happy can I ever be?????? I do love my husband with all my heart.....and I know he loves me. But there is nothing there either.
We are two wounded people trying to make a life. I can't see that ever happening because there is no life in me anymore.....just letters.
I try so hard because I want to be someone that CAN be loved. But deep down, I know that will never change. Jim may love me......I know he does........he's the most wonderful man in the world.......but that doesn't change who or what I am.

An empty shell of letters.

All for Naught.....

Yes, of course, the title is a pun.....but not today. I feel like everything I am doing is for naught. Why continue therapy???? Jim's not. He's just in his insulated little circle happy with status quo. And is continuing therapy going to enable me to have a relationship with my granddaughter....NO. Because NO MATTER WHAT I am dog shit when it comes to that baby. I am so hurt by all the events in the last weeks that I don't even care about anything anymore. Why bother....cuz it's all for naught. Why should I go thru all the pain and hurt of bringing up things when no one else gives a damn or even notices. I have been trying to come up with ONE GOOD REASON to continue to see Terry and I can't think of one. Whenever I see her it's just to drudge up past pains and talk about all the things I'm doing wrong now. And I have made vast strides in fixing those wrongs. I'm no where near perfect, but I'm still considered worthless and useless. So why bother dealing with that. Jim is perfectly happy to pretend there's nothing wrong and sit on his damned computer and/or in front of the TV day after day. That's not the life I want.....but I can't make him see Terri.....he was, but now he doesn't....and nor, do I believe does he want to. So why the hell should I go thru all the pain and hurt and anger when it's not going to help us one bit. It takes two to make a marriage and I can't be the only one who is trying to get 'fixed.' (And just so it's known, most of that is just a rant. He's wonderful and I love him more than anything in the world....and I know he loves me. But sometimes it really angers me that he doesn't deal with stuff as quickly as I want him to.......and that's MY issue, not his..............but, again, it's just a rant............and I'm in a VERY ranting mood!!!!)
And besides, all the pain and issused that I've dealt with and all the changes that I've made are not good enough for me to even hold that beautiful baby. I have come to the realization that they do not want me near her and they don't want me around any parts of their lives.
That is the biggest hurt I've ever felt in my life.
Like I said....all for naught!
Pointless.